by Duane Scott Cerny
We all have them. Household projects that never seem to get done no matter how hard we procrastinate with our lazy selves. It’s the curse of the disorganized life.
If wishing your duties away has proven ineffective and your own magical powers are sorely limited to dodging work (at work), it’s time to face the sound of one hand not cleaning.
Barring any job that a contractor, a skilled craftsman or an alien (illegal or otherwise) can perform, the onus remains on you. If you think Angie’s List is a registry for sex offenders, missing children or Miss Dickinson’s greatest roles, you need to turn off Fox News right now. That network has enough problems; they don’t need any of yours.
Yes, you have dozens of things needing to be done. And yes, there are thousands of qualified people out there looking to work. Unfortunately, you just aren’t one of them.
So in order to tackle all the pesky household projects you’ve been putting off since George W. Bush took up painting portraits in his bathroom, I offer a few hypnotic suggestions…
“You’re Getting Busy. Very Busy.”
1. Get a Good Night’s Sleep. Plenty of rest is important if you’re to attack the big day ahead. If you have sex, make sure not to make a mess. You already have enough to do tomorrow— Extra laundry isn’t a problem, it’s a lifestyle choice.
2. Wake Refreshed. Make a huge pot of coffee but be certain not to share. This isn’t Starbucks where most everyone sits with their smart devices, baby sipping Poutine-infused lattes while awaiting a response to their latest screenplay submission, “Rosemary’s Baby: A Colicky Hologram.” Besides, James Franco already optioned a spoken-word to Dreamworks– He plays both the placenta in the birthing scene at the Dakota and a plate of polenta at a French restaurant in the state of Dakota. For him, not much of a stretch.Okay, now where is the 2% Coffee-mate Creamer?
3. Play Some Disco Music. You hate Disco? Even better. Nothing gets people off their feet faster than bad music or the breakfast burrito at Taco Bell. Use the toilet, but don’t clean it. You don’t have time to be a hero today. FYI: “Scrubbing Bubbles” is also a contestant on this season’s of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Clorox Bagelstein almost took that bleeched out crown last year!
4. Pick A Room (Any Room) & Lock Yourself In Tight. Now pretend you’re Tippi Hedren when she got trapped in that bedroom full of over-aroused birds. Start pulling the place apart as if a leering fat man with a camera is filming your complete emotional breakdown. Just go nuts. Have a crazy tear at the entire room–Leave no turn un-stoned. Then step back, compose your Sybil-self, and admire what a total disaster this room is compared to the rest of your home. Suddenly, perspective is everything.
5. Bitch & Complain. Nothing clears out a room faster than a whiny homeowner who is knee deep in clutter and dust bunnies that have evolved into alternative forms of life. (How exactly does dust grow teeth?) What? You say no one is listening to your cries of woe? And how is today any different than any other? No, this room will not be any cleaner but your head will be. And AREN’T YOU REALLY MORE IMPORTANT than a clutter-free kitchen countertop? Inquiring condiments have decided.
6. Drink. A full tilt, alcohol infused cleaning session might not produce the results you want, but it sure empties those half used liquor bottles right-quick. Recycling? Done! Buy everyone in your cluttered second bedroom a round… of disinfectant.
7. Blame Others. That house guests from a year ago? The neighbor who stopped by to inquire about her lost cat? Your mailman with the limp? All perfectly good individuals to blame for one’s lack of organization. When pressed, blaming others offers a unique opportunity to weasel out of most anything you ever promised to do in life. It isn’t noble, still it’s the closest you’ll get to being efficient. Efficient at blaming others.
EXCUSE OF THE DAY: “I’d have had the the dining room repainted by now, if only that telemarketer hadn’t called about timeshare opportunities in Jersey City. I don’t have 25 hours in my day, you know?”
Yes, you can thank me later. Now you have plenty of time.